Just Me

     I'm loved.  Truly loved.  I have two men in my life, (ones 6 1/2) who think their world is a better place because I exists.  They smile at my presence, tell me i'm beautiful and smart.  They love me.  Why is it then when I look in the mirror, when I think about myself I can't see what they see?  Why is it when they say all these sweet things I think to myself they are bias because they love me, but I believe the people that don't know me and their insults? (really i'm just the one hurling insults at myself)

I was on face book and I saw this picture of a bigger woman laying on the beach.  It was followed by a quick message about what her child sees when he sees that picture as opposed to what she sees.  She said to post that picture without hiding, with out editing, was freeing, she simply was instead of what she was trying to be.

I figured since this blog is suppose to be about my journey into self discovery that I might as well follow suit.

God help me i'm about to take a breath and jump into the deep end of the pool, or at least that is how this feels........................

 I hate this picture, I see a dumpy mom spending a day with her kid.  Unfashionable, Simple, Dumpy, this photo screams at me all my insecurities.  My son loves this photo.  He sees a day spent with his mom looking at the coolest trucks (I couldn't even take pictures of him with the military trucks cause he was jumping around so much).  He sees a mom who threw on something quickly not caring how she looked so we wouldn't be late.  I see scarred legs, he sees the memories of me running around in the back yard after him.  I see a pot belly, he sees the place he called home for 9 months.  I see a chubby set of cheeks, he sees the smile that lights up my face when hes near.  I see chubby arms, he sees the arms that are always there to hold him.

 I look so dumpy in this picture and that shirt seriously makes me look fat...........but look how happy that little face is to be cuddled in next to his mamma.  He thinks i'm amazing, he thinks i'm funny, he thinks i'm smart, he thinks i'm beautiful, no matter what shape, size, or scars I carry.

6 months pregnant in this one for the record and I love this picture

So here is  what I do know......................My body, as imperfect as it is tells my story.  It may not be the story of a model, or some tiny little Hollywood actress.  It may not be the most fashionable story, nor the prettiest, but its mine.  Its honest, its true and its loved........what more can I ask for?  This is my life and i'm tired of walking through it with my head down because i'm uncomfortable in my skin.

I may not be perfect, I may not look the way I wish I did, but here is what I do know.  I know I am loved for WHO I am, not what i look like, I know that I'm kind, outgoing, at times funny.  I know that what I look like doesn't determine who I am or what I have to offer the world.  I'm a mother who loves her son with every breath she takes.  I know as the years pass my appearance will go with it and what will be left will be these things that make me me.  I know that this is MY life, and I'm not wasting another second on what I wish I was.......I have too much to enjoy with the future!

Dreaming Big into the Future

The Empty Pickle Jar

The Empty Pickle Jar

A lesson on life

A professor stood before his philosophy class holding a large and empty pickle jar.  When the class began he proceeded to fill the jar with golf balls.  He then  asked the students if the jar was full, they agreed it was. So the professor picked up a box of pebbles and poured them into the jar.  The pebbles rolled into the open areas between the golf balls.  He asked the students again if the jar was full, they agreed it was.

The professor next picked up a box of sand and poured it into the jar. Of course, of sand filled up everything else.  He asked once more if the jar was full.  They responded with a unanimous "yes".  The professor then produced a bottle of chocolate milk from under the table.  He poured it into the jar effectively filling the empty space between the sand.  The students laughed.

"Now" said the professor, " I want you to recognize that this jar represents your life.  The golf balls are the important things Your Family, Your Children , Your Health, and Friends.  The pebbles are the other things that matter, like Your Job, Your Home, Your Car.  The sand is everything else, the small stuff.

If you put the sand first, there is no room for the pebbles or the golf balls.The same goes for life.  If you spend all your time and energy on the small stuff, you will never have room for the things that make you happy.  Play with your children, get regular checkups, enjoy dinner with family and friends.  There will always be time to clean the house.  Take care of the golf balls first, the things that really matter.  Set your priorities, the rest is just sand."

One student asked "what about the chocolate milk?"

The professor responded "no matter how full your life may seem, there is always room for chocolate."

Remember EVERY DAY IS A GIFT AND YOUR QUALITY OF LIFE IS YOUR GIFT TO YOURSELF!

Source unknown

I look Better in the Winter

Its Monday night and its time to get ready for work.  For those of you that don't know I work in an office of a trucking company, and even tho regular office hours are 8-5, long haul truckers drive 24-7, that leaves some of us office girls with some pretty weird shifts.

Its a fairly relaxed environment and being that I work around a lot of guys I hear some four letter words pretty regularly.  I adore the laid back environment tho, I love the people I work with and the work its self, and the business casual attire makes it fairly easy to pick out what i'm wearing for the day..........in till recently that is.  So back to our story shall we?

Its Monday night and its time to get ready for work.  I look among my sea of dress pants, blouses, and dresses till i decide.  Bermuda shorts....check...dressy tank?....check.  I look over the outfit and ask myself "are you really going to go to work like that?" answer "hell yes"

I made two simple braids in the side of my hair then pull it all back into a pony tail.  I hide a few loose strands with a bobby pins and look in the mirror. My hair is wet from my shower but pulled back neatly, the ends already starting to curl the way I hate them, and I ask myself "you really going to go to work like that?" answer "helllllllllll yes"

I pick the face cream with the highest spf and apply a layer to my face as I wonder if it will simply melt off.  My eyes for the briefest second go to my collection of beaded blushes and eye shadows, mascaras and bronzers.  Normally I love this stuff, the "putting on" of my face, today I flip the makeup case the finger and walk out of my bed room.  As I pass the mirror in the hall I ask myself again "are you really going to work like this?"

I slip on a pair of simple flats and step out onto the deck. The 26 degree weather hits me like a ton of bricks.  A huge "hhhhhhhhhhhhhhhheeeeeeeeeeeelllllllllllllllll YES!" screams in my head in response to my previous question.

OK, so its summer and its hot.  I hear men saying they love this season, the short shorts, the bikinis, the eye candy everywhere.  The truth of the matter is while that outfit is great for the beach and the weekend it sucks for the office.  So i'm not doing my hair (why bother it will only curl again in this humidity), i'm not rocking my make up (why bother it will only sweat off), and i'm not wearing the pretty little dress clothes (if I could sit around in my bra and underwear I soooooooo would)  Excuse my appearance i'm &^%*ing hot............I promise, i'll look better in the winter.

No make up curly hair me!

You Won't Change me

You Won't Change me

     I'm a fan of musicals, and old musicals at that.  This after noon while cleaning I slipped on my ear pods and let music take me away into a complete fantasy world.  The voices of Broadway filled my ears and soon, despite my sons protests) I was doing my own version of jazz hands and singing along.  Marry the Man Today (Guys and Dolls.........LOVE IT) came on and I admit I sang a little louder and got a little aggressive with my chores as I kept rhythm.

Marry the man today. 
Trouble though he may be 
Much as he likes to play 
Crazy and wild and free 
Marry the man today 
Rather than sigh in sorrow 
Marry the man today 
And change his ways tomorrow.

I sang along and suddenly stopped as the two ladies sang that last line.  I've sung the song a million times, watched the play a million more and yet its the first time this line had really sunk in.  

When we first meet someone its the differences that draw us, that fascinate us, that excite us about them.  Yet, and yes I will admit this for my own marriage as well, as the years pass we begin to criticize these differences and urge them to become more of what we want then what they are.  How many times have you yourself or heard another say of their significant other "I wish they would......... why can't they be more like....."  I know in my marriage my husband offers "constructive criticism" on ways that I could improve and I will admit that I myself do the same to him.  Its only upon hearing that last line that I realized.......I'll never change him, and whoever reads this with a longing to change someone.....you won't change them either!

Change is not impossible, I've seen many people traveling a bad road who with hard work and effort changed their course, but change, real change comes from within.  You can/they can, preach to you constantly about what you should change, how you should act, what you should think, but in till you decide to do it , it just won't happen.

You can't change the person you may want to..........only they can change themselves.  

WARNING

                    WARNING

The former blog COMPLETELY HOOKED will no longer be posting new blogs!!!

The owner of blog was a dumbass and forgot to write down her email address given to her and her husband decided to be nice and clear the book marks she had on the computer (which included her email address for the blog and password :(  )  

SO.............................. Mary-Anne Richard will proceed with her rants on this new site!

I hope you all enjoy!